Hello and welcome. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.
As a brief summary, I write about my experiences and journey with Ketamine Therapy on my website, The Injection and Infusion Clinic of Albuquerque, and also for The Boise Ketamine Clinic. I have a long history with treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorders. My personal mental health care resume includes numerous failed medication cocktails, ECT, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Talk Therapy and hospitalizations. I admit I understand how all of these treatments could potentially help, but they never did for me. It was a little over two and half years ago that I was introduced to Ketamine for depression. I am alive today because of a drug that is raising many questions and concerns from the professional world.
If you have been following along with my blogs you know that I have been struggling lately with staying healthy. I wrote about my recent fall into that bitter, cold, lonely, blackness called clinical depression, Ketamine Treatments And Benzodiazepines: My Journey And Discoveries. The reason I mention my last blog is because I hinted at a future writing on what I refer to as my new emotional language. I have been really looking forward to this topic of redefining what depression is for me now. It has been confusing. It is still frustrating at times. All my life, my world has been colored by the burden of mental illness. An illness I feel has made it impossible to feel a vast number of emotions. I clumped all types of feelings as being a definition of the term depression. If I felt disappointed I quickly classified that sensation as a symptom of depression. I did this time and time again. I would feel frustrated, I must be depressed. I cried during a commercial or a movie that, must mean I am depressed. If I thought poorly of someone, or was hurt by a stranger, it was because of my depression clouding my experience. I, of course, did not become aware of just how many emotions I named depression until I started getting Ketamine therapy. It is because of the effects of Ketamine that I can separate myself from my illness. I get to step outside of myself and find clarity where once only suicide resided. I don't want to get side tracked on the discussion of the disassociative effects of Ketamine, that is a topic for another blog. I will just comment that because of the way Ketamine allows me freedom from my illness, I am capable of feeling an array of emotions. I have literally been forced to learn the differences between the words sad, happy, bitter, angry, resentful, disappointed, mad, glad, blue, heavy-hearted, bad day, tired, sick, exhausted, frustrated, down, unhappy, outraged, anxious, excited, ashamed, and the list goes on and on. In my past, these feelings were put into two categories: depressed and tolerable. It has been so strange. A lesson I was so unaware I needed to learn because of my love of words and their meanings.
Unfortunately, I often confuse my emotions. If I am exhausted, I often mislabel this emotion as depression. I equate many, many feelings for depression. I am learning. Ketamine allows me to recognize the slight variances in my feelings, and this has been beneficial in understanding myself and how depression has affected my life.
I have a goal. I want to eliminate the word depressed from my vocabulary. I only allow myself to describe how I am doing as depressed if I am spending too much time entertaining suicidal thoughts. I search my bank of words and try to redefine my perceptions.
I have spoken to my doctor on many occasions in regards to learning a whole new language and differentiating the subtlety between all these refreshing emotional nuances. I spend a lot of time taking inventory of my feelings and trying really hard to not define every negative emotion I feel as depression. This has been my past. I believe I was not aware of my inability to feel a wide range of feelings. I have made a point of only using the word depressed when the heaviness becomes so unbearable for me that the only appropriate choice in the dictionary is the word depressed. When I lose sight of all hope. I am fortunate that since I was introduced to Ketamine for depression, I have been actively able to understand the various differences in my thoughts and feelings. I am no longer numb. I am feeling.
For many years I felt like all I could do was stand there and want to die. All the thoughts racing in my mind confirmed how worthless I felt. The depression filter was set permanently to the on position. I have always had a fondness for language. I especially love the dictionary and the massive amount of words available to us. I have known for years the definitions of various emotions, but it wasn't until Ketamine that I recognized how few of my treasured words I actually understood on a personal level.
I am obsessed with this puzzle.
I take inventory often.
I broaden my new emotional language daily. I find this challenging and exciting. I still confuse my feelings with the incorrect definitions. I reflect. I can see patterns. I am capable of rewiring. I try to be gentle with myself during these lessons. I love words. I am disappointed that I am a preschooler emotionally.
I find myself afraid.
I will be kind.
I will try. I will try harder.
I have been struggling.
I was randomly searching online several weeks back for new Ketamine centers and came across an article, The strange symptom of depression most people don't know about, and I squealed with delight. Yes, a new emotion to add to my personal dictionary. In this feature, the author writes on the subject that I have been insisting is a real thing to my doctor. My total lack of the ability to feel more than the depression filter would allow. Depression numbs. Depression kills. It absorbs all your energy. It steals your light. It is exhausting.
Fighting to stay alive.
Wanting to only die.
Depression kidnaps me. It robs me.
Ketamine is my peace maker. My protector.
Ketamine keeps me focused.
Ketamine is my healer. I am grateful. I appreciate the insights. I am thankful for the education. It helps me see when the depression filters switch on, and it constantly aids me with questions to ask myself to clear up the fog and misunderstandings.
I bring this article to my next Ketamine appointment and smile at my doctor. He is curious. I hand over my phone and ask him to read. He complies. I feel like a student with a new discovery. I have had a hypothesis for a couple years regarding how Ketamine lifts the depression and helps one process the world differently. The disassociative effects that Ketamine blesses me with during my treatments has made my regular usage of "I just need to get out of my own way," a reality. I am grateful for these brief insights. It makes it possible to see myself without the depression clouding my judgments.
It is truly perfect the way it is.
Side effects? Really?
I wouldn't change a thing about the drug.
Please stop the bad talk.
Ketamine gives me what I need. Hope.
It also constantly gives the ability to question. It helps me address chronic behaviors. It opened the door to a whole new language.
As Dr. Demiralp concluded: "Our results suggest that being specific about your negative emotions might be good for you. It might be best to avoid thinking that you are feeling generally bad or unpleasant. Be specific. Is it anger, shame, guilt or some other emotion? This can help you circumvent it and improve your life."
I had to exclaim to my doctor, "See? I am not the only one that thinks depression limits your emotional language!"
The study stated it nicely.
They found that participants experiencing clinical depression found it difficult to distinguish which negative emotions they were feeling, as opposed to non-depressed people who were clearer about which emotion they were feeling.
Co-author of the study Dr. Emre Demiralp, was quoted by Spring as saying, "It is difficult to improve your life without knowing whether you are sad or angry about some aspect of it.
For example, imagine not having a gauge independently indicating the gasoline level of your car. It would be challenging to know when to stop for gas."
And it has.
I believe it is important to examine your feelings and how you label them.
Increase your emotional language.
It is my goal to recognize and experience each slight shift. Ketamine helps. Depression mask the truth. I want to know the difference between telling myself a fictional tale and reality. That is not an easy task when the depression rules my mind.
I found it reassuring that someone else in the world felt depression limits how we feel and express ourselves and was studying this phenomenon. I have been trying to explain for years now. It is even more important to acknowledge that the depression clouds our perceptions of the world around us.
I question all.
I want to be free from this hell one day.
Fiction or reality?
I may never be completely free from the hateful cave that holds me prisoner whenever it desires. I follow a healthy path and skip with glee. I trip. Damn it. I crawl. Pull myself up. Soldier on. I practice letting go. I can get so angry. I pity myself. I cry out at the injustices. I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to be a survivor either.
I want to be.
My doctor loosely quotes George Harrison, show me that I am everything..... take me to the universe, but have me home for tea.
That is Ketamine. It shows me that I am everything. It takes me to the universe and an hour later I am calm and sipping a metaphoric cup of tea.
If you are interested in educating yourself on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 2.5 years, for The Injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ.
My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.
In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine verses Ketamine Infusion therapy.
In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.
In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain, from any qualified professional.
I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you. Also, if you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy's online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it is an excellent decision. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.
In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms. If you, or someone you know, are considering Ketamine infusion therapy, please visit Jason Duprat's Ketamine clinic at www.infusionclinicabq.com for low cost ketamine infusion and injection options. If you are not in the Albuquerque, New Mexico area I also suggest approaching a local professional and start educating them on the benefits of Ketamine. Again, it doesn't hurt to ask for what you need.
I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list and I update it regularly. The provider list can be found here and on my personal website. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state.
Feel free to visit The Ketamine Academy to enroll in your dream today. If you are fascinated, but not yet ready to commit, I recommend the free trial to help you determine whether you want to invest in yourself and in this is new online ketamine infusion training course. Just think, if you enrolled in The Ketamine Academy your new clinic could easily be added to my directory for the grand opening!